Voice-over Work

From the day Apple became part of our family, Mike and I have done this thing that I'm just starting to realize not all pet owners do.  When one of us asks Apple a question, the other will answer as Apple's voice-over.  Describing it now makes me realize how strange that actually makes us, but what's even stranger is that it wasn't something that came up gradually, it just automatically happened. 

Usually her voice-over is influenced by whatever animated shows we're watching at the moment.  The first voice that naturally came out as Apple's inner voice was South Park's Eric Cartman. Although there's a gender and species discrepancy, this is the voice and inner attitude that returns most often when we're talking for Apple.  Her voice-over has also had stints as Henchman 21 and Dermott Fictel from the Venture Bros. and Special Sister Mary from Lucy, Daughter of the Devil (voiced by Eugene Mirman.) Right now, we're having moments of Tina from Bob's Burgers squeak into the rotation (voiced by Dan Mintz.... we've never been able to get any actual girl voices into our girl dog's inner voice) especially when Apple is being awkward.

Apple's voiceover is 1% lovin', 99% attitude.  Yes.  She's a bitch.  Literally.  But also figuratively.  Some sample conversations we've had:


In her "NPR Cartman" voice


Scene: Apple sees me throwing out chicken bones and cleaning out the roasting pan and is suddenly interested in what I'm doing in the kitchen.
Apple:  Hey mom, what... what are you doing?
Me:  None of this is for you.
Apple:  No, that's coo.  I'm just.  I just love you so much.  And you know, chicken.
Me: You can't eat this.
Apple: But maaaaaaaaaawwwwm.
Me: Don't lick the trash can.
Apple:  I hate you.  So very. Very. Much.


In her "Angry Cartman" voice.



Scene:  Mike got out of bed for 3 minutes to run to the restroom.  Apple immediately moved to his spot and is snuggling up next to his pillow so he can't get back in bed.
Mike:  Apple, really?
Apple:  Suck it, dad.
Mike:  No, Apple, you need to move.
Apple: Whateva, I do what I want.  You're not the boss of me.
Mike pushes Apple out of his spot.
Apple: I just want to say: I love you guys, I do... except you Dad.  I hate you.

Scene: Mike and I are downstairs sitting on the couch watching TV.  Apple is upstairs.  Alone.  Not hanging out with us.
Me: "Apple!  Come down here and hang out with us!" 
Apple runs out of the bedroom and stares at us from the top of the stairs.
Me:  "Apple!  Come here!  Snuggle!!!"
Apple:  "I'm busy.  Damn hippies."
Apple turns around and runs back to the bedroom 

In her "Special Sister Mary" voice
(there's a video... if you can't see it, here's the link: http://video.adultswim.com/lucy-the-daughter-of-the-devil/holy-crap-no.html )

Scene:  We're trying to put Apple's harness on so we can go outside.
Mike:  Apple, come here.
Apple:  Uhm.  No.
Mike:  Come here.
Apple:  Uhm. No thanks. You guys go without me.  I'm cool.
She runs back upstairs and puts herself in her crate.

Scene:  Apple is sitting on Mike's chest.  In bed.  At 1 AM.  STARING at his face.
Apple:  Uhm.  Dad?
Mike:  No.
Apple: Uhm.  Dad... I have to pee.
Mike:  No.  I just took you outside 15 minutes ago.  And all you did was bark at the air.
Apple:  Fine. I hope you enjoy the surprise turd I leave in your closet tonight.  Sleep tight.
Mike closes his eyes.
Apple slaps him.  With her paw.  She actually does that.
Apple: Take me outside or I will cut you.

So 4 years now we've been doing this... and we do it automatically.  It's gotten worse.  Recently, when other people ask Apple questions, we'll instinctively respond.  For example the following exchange happened at my birthday party when Apple met one of our friends for the first time:

Colin: Hi Apple! You sure are a cutie pie!
Apple looks at him and deftly avoids a gentle pat on the head scooting past him.  I provide the voice over without thinking twice.
Apple:  Yah buddy, I got shiz to do and crap on the floor to eat.  No time to chat.
Colin looks at me silently.  He blinks.  I explain that I'm insane.

We've also started doing this for babies.  Which makes things more troubling because Mike and I seem to assume that all babies have the same attitude as Apple and many parents don't agree with our foul mouth interpretations of their darling child's inner thoughts.  Most people put cute things into the mouths of speechless babes, but when we see babies, they're little smack talkers.

So far we have yet to meet anyone that does what we do.  People seem to imagine inner voices for their pets, but none of them actually have conversations with those inner voices.  So that either means that both Mike and I are insane, or insanely awesome.  Win win.  

Dog V. Pillow

No time to really blog tonight... but I'm sticking to the one blog post per day for NaBloPoMo as well as I possibly can, so I present 1:32 minutes of Apple digging into a pillow.

She had skin allergies so we had to put a spray on her stomach area to calm her itchies.  This is how she reacted (and how she reacts to freshly washed bedding, eating a tasty snack and other random things... it entertains me, but she's my dog, so practically everything she does entertains me.)

Have a great weekend! :)

The Vet

We took Apple to the vet this morning for her regular check up and to get her up to date with her travel certificates since we'll probably be taking her with us when we head out to Chicago later this month.  

She's a funny dog.  Every time we go to the vet,  she knows the direction we're going but doesn't know until we get there that we're not going to the bark park  -  they're in the same direction about 2 minutes away from one another.

Even when we pull into the parking lot that is so obviously not the bark park, she  seems to recognize the outside and gets excited, whiny and wiggly and she begs to get out of the car.  She'll drag us on the leash towards the front door but as soon as we open it and step inside,  it all comes rushing back to her:

"wait.. this....THIS IS WHERE THEY PUT THINGS IN MY BUTT!"

We walk up to the front desk as she is now pulling on her leash in the opposite direction - trying to get back out towards the door  from whence we came - half obsessed with the other dogs in the waiting room, but more preoccupied with getting the eff out of that office.  

This is why it requires both Mike and I to take Apple, a 9lb dog, to the vet.  One to wrangle her and one to take care of business. While I'm checking in, Mike is dragging Apple to the waiting room.  Apple fidgets and whines - we imagine she's trying to reason with us at this point:

"Seriously guys.  We can go home now.  We're cool.  Let's just go before anyone notices we were even here.  But before we do that, can we just go over there and sniff that Pug's butt - just real quick and then we can just get out of here.  OK, fine.  I don't need to smell that Pug's butt.  Let's just go.  See.  I make sacrifices, you make sacrifices.  Let's go."

When the vet assistant comes out to get us, we walk Apple back to the weigh station and give her the command to get up onto the scale.  She obeys the command instinctively only to realize that as soon as she steps onto the scale she has now willingly participated in her vet appointment.  This sends her into a panic and she jumps off the scale of doom.   We put her back on - a whopping 9.8lbs - she's gained .8lbs.   Piggy.

We're directed to the room where she'll get her check up and the vet assistant takes her temperature by thermometer... in the butthole.  This is the funniest part (for me) because Apple doesn't move.  She's frozen solid. Her eyes go wide and they roll sideways to look at the vet assistant without moving her head.

"W. T. F."

The rest of the appointment goes normally with Apple leaning as far away from the vet as possible, but she's good - no snarling or snapping no matter how much they poke and prod her.  Every time the vet or his assistant would leave the room to get something, she'd  immediately rush towards the door, scratch and then look back at Mike and me:

"Ok guys, now's our chance... they won't notice if we leave now."

The vet comes back with Apple's bordetella vaccine - which is a spray in the nostril.  Apple sneezes dog snot all over my arm right after it's applied and gives us all a look:

"Oh god.  What was that... that was..."

This look becomes a glare as she realizes...

"You did this to me.  You two. "

At this point, she's stopped her little nervous shake because obviously her anxiety has been replaced with animus. Her evil Eric Cartman inner voice has returned.

"I hate you so very very much."

The vet's assistant brings out a really good treat - the kind where on any other day of the week Apple would have scarfed it before anyone had a chance to take it from her.  Apple turns her nose up at the offering.  The vet's assistant tells me I should try.  Apple looks at me:

" You are dead to me."

We hand Apple off to get her nails clipped while we go back out to pay up and pick up flea meds, etc.  When she comes back in the arms of the vet's assistant 3 minutes later, she's happy as a clam.  She knows it's all over and she is totally pumped to see us again.  God bless dogs.

She still wants out, but since I've got to wait for certificates and vaccination records, I tell Mike to just take her outside.  He does.  And she's back in about a minute.  Thus begins the final ritual at the vet - the Apple in, Apple out walk-a-thon.  

I've still got to pay up and Apple wants out.  So Mike takes her out.  As soon as she's out,  she pees a smidge and realizes I'm not outside and wants back in.  As soon as she's in, she realizes THIS IS WHERE THEY PUT THINGS IN MY BUTT! and wants out.  As soon as she's out, she pees a smidge, realizes I'm again inside and wants back in.  This goes on and on until I've finally finished things up - so maybe 10 minutes of Mike walking in and out of the door... with tiny tinkles between.    

So now we're back and I've got to figure out how to give a dog that is only occasionally food-motivated an oral tablet.   A piece of cheese just doesn't cut it.  I've even hidden tablets in bits of chicken only to find the chicken abandoned on the carpet minutes later and her tiny face watching it from under the bed.  She knows it's evil.  She knows there's medicine in it. 

Her favorite human food treat is scrambled eggs which she doesn't get very often... so I'm giving that a shot.  

Apple, you are one spoiled dog.

NaBloPoMo

New momma, Marci, over at "Marci Explains It All" wrote a blog today reminding everyone that it was NaBloPoMo... aka. National Blog Posting Month.  Essentially a challenge that casual bloggers take up to blog at least once per day every day in the month of November.  

I took on that challenge when I first started this blog, and I didn't do so well.  Not bad... but not good.

I'll be giving it a shot again thisNovember - and of course that means quantity over quality.  Probably a lot of short blogs.  And pictures of my dog.  

So.  Let's get this NaBloPoMo off to a good start... 

 

...With Apple in her Slave Leia costume.  She couldn't be at Mike's Star Wars themed 30th birthday party, but she got dressed anyway. Don't focus too long on the fact that her costume slave torso was too big for her tiny legs and that I ended up just draping it over her like a towel, lest we forget this dog is wearing a wig.  

A DOG WIG, PEOPLE. 

Nothing is better.

Except for Snooki Wookie.  Which was easily the best costume at Mike's Star Wars party... if not the funniest costume of 2010.  It kills me that I forgot to take a full costume shot of her full Wookie outfit dolled up in MTV's Snooki style.

Snookie Wookie / Snooki Wookie

It was a perfect Star Wars party costume - the ridiculous loads of self tanner, the Snooki inspired wig and bling glasses, the official Wookie fur and bandolier with functional pouch.... it all still cracks me up.  Snookie Wookie... hahahahahha!  This is why I always want to throw themed parties... you guys come up with some ridiculously hilarious outfits.

Anyhoo.  This and more to come for NaBloPoMo.

Apple's Grand Day Out

You may have seen this status update from me yesterday:  

"please prayers. we can't find Apple and we're in orange. she broke out of the yard. i don't know what to do"

Which was typed while I was slumped over, sobbing on the floor in front of a police car at a Mexican kid's birthday party at a park in Orange.

Yesterday was our Goddaughter's 2nd birthday, so we packed up Apple to drop off in Heather & Dave's back yard while we were about 10 minutes away at the birthday party.  We had done this before. They've got a nice back yard with heavy doors and an enclosed screen patio where Apple can hang out and stare out at the birds and other things rather than sitting in her crate alone while we're gone.  We never would have imagined that she could escape not only the patio, but the yard as well.

We were gone for 6 hours or so at the party and we left before Heather and Dave to go pick up Apple.  Our hearts sunk into our feet when we saw there was no Apple in the patio.  The screen door had been torn open.  We ran around their back yard to try and find her if maybe she was hiding or stuck somewhere.  Nothing.  Not a peep.

Panic.

I was shaking.  I walked illogically up the street to some people that were outside playing with their dog to ask if they had seen a small 9 pound dog running around.  They hadn't.  But they asked what color she was, and I couldn't describe her.  Tears just started pouring out of my eyes and all I could say was thank you.

Mike got on the phone... I don't know who he was calling and then he got in his car to drive around the neighborhood. I just started ringing people's doorbells.  I don't remember much of what I said or what they said, although I know I was sobbing and they were compassionate.  None of them had seen my dog.

I had my phone out, but we don't live in the area and I didn't know how to call Animal Control.  I think I called my brother while I asked some kids sitting in the back of a pick up truck if they had seen my dog.  They hadn't but they told me they'd help look and ask neighbors.  I started crying again.

My brother overheard and called me back.  "Have you found Apple?"

I started sobbing "No... and it's my fault.  I don't know what to do."

He and Rhonda headed over. Mike called me, "where are you?"

"I don't know." 

I turned around and walked back up the same sidewalk back to the house.  I tried to pray, but I couldn't remember how. All I could say over and over and over in my head was "please God help" which I think was good enough.   Heather & Dave were back... they saw my face and Mike standing in their lawn and instantly knew something was wrong.  Our poor Goddaughter saw my face and became distraught.  I still feel bad that a 2 year old was worried about me.  I'm the grown up here.

I said I was going to keep walking and Mike came with me.

We asked every person we passed - no one had seen a dog and most of the people who were outside had been out for hours.

I saw a park in the distance where a huge party was going on.  I got excited thinking that if Apple had got out, she would run that direction and see people and maybe the people would catch her and would have kept her for the entire day.  I spoke to as many people at that party as I could - at this point with my mascara smudged around my eyes and my lips swollen from sobbing.  One guy would translate my question to ask others at the party and I could hear others ask in Spanish, "why is she crying?" and the response "she lost her dog."  

I lost my dog.

At this point the thoughts running through my head were the worst case scenarios. Apple has a license, tags and is micro-chipped. But no one at all had seen her. I begun to believe that Apple got out shortly after we left, was injured from squeezing her way impossibly under the gate and was found by some people who thought she was cute and sweet and decided to keep her as their own pet instead of calling the name on the tag.  Or that some thugs just happened to be driving around and saw a cute little 9lb dog that would make great training bait for their Michael Vick inspired dog fighting ring and that Apple would never be found again. Horrible things. And since no one had called us in the last 6 hours this was what I started to imagine. Someone would have called if she was hit by a car or found, right?  

I had been wandering around for over an hour and I was sure I'd never see Apple again.  

There was a parked police car keeping an eye on the festivities since it was a really really really big birthday party.  Mike walked over and was talking to the police officer about Apple and gave her a description.  I wandered around in circles and eventually slumped over onto the floor behind Mike next to the police car. I lost my dog.

I couldn't think of who to call for help.  I logged onto Facebook and posted.  Maybe someone saw her and then saw my post and would be able to give me a clue.  The internet moves faster than I can walk and at the very least someone would pray for me when I couldn't keep my mind in one place do to it by myself. And they did.  Good thoughts, prayers, vibes... whatever anyone sent out our direction... prayers were heard and the universe reacted to those feelings, because not five minutes later we got a call. 

Apple had been found.

She was running around the parking lot of the Orange Mall and two teen girls had seen her and chased her until they were able to capture her and get her tag information. Their dad called us and gave us his name, number and address so we could go pick her up.

I started running.

We got back to the house told Heather and Dave and hopped in the car to drive just a little ways up the street to get her.  We called my brother and Rhonda with the news.  They were at the mall because on their way over they had asked a couple of skaters if they had seen a dog. They had, and said it was a little while ago near the mall, but no one stopped to try and grab her.  

We pulled up to the house where the girls were standing outside with Apple on a leash.  I started sobbing and  tumbled out of the car while Apple frantically pulled towards us yelping like crazy with excitement.  Mike talked to them for a while - he was the normal one.  I was the crazy lady.  We tried to offer them a reward - basically all the cash we had in our wallets - but they turned us down.  Their dad came out and shook our hands and we thanked them over and over again. 

The girls explained that they were at the mall and saw the dog running around the parking lot.  They were worried that she would get hurt so they followed her and tried to get her to come to them and stop her from trying to cross Tustin Ave.  Instead Apple, trying to avoid them, jumped into another person's car while they were loading up their stuff.  The person in the car handed Apple to the girls, scared and shaking. They brought her home and had their dad call us.   They said they spent about 20 minutes trying to get her.   They saved our dog.

We went back to the house and our Goddaughter was happy to see Apple again and to see me smiling.   Dave was ready with a glass of wine when I walked in the door.  I needed it.  Heather & Dave filled us in on what probably happened from their investigation in their yard and phone calls they made while we were out looking.  Their gardeners came - probably 20 minutes before we did.  They opened the gate, and most likely left it open while they worked.  Apple, probably frightened by the loud blowers (she's scared of the vacuum) burst through a small tear in the patio screen and right out the gate, going back home the way we drove in through an unfamiliar neighborhood. She crossed a major street, but luckily didn't make it over to Tustin Ave.

As other people passed, or ignored her, these two girls went out of their way to save our dog.  And they said did it because they knew that that if their dog had gotten loose, they hoped that someone would stop and try to do the same.  We have, and we are so thankful for those two girls choosing to do the right thing even when it might be inconvenient.  So so so so so so thankful.

I'm so thankful for good people, so grateful to be blessed with good family and friends who are ready to help and comfort us, and so relieved to have Apple back home.

Wienerlicious

Mike has a very specific laugh when he watches ridiculous animal videos or looks at silly animal pictures.  I never hear the same laugh when we're talking or watching TV. It's kind of this low bubbling chuckle and it's one of my favorite sounds so I do my best to get every hilarious animal video and image to him STAT.  I even sit through episodes of America's Funniest Home Videos for clips of animal highlights whenever possible.

When we see a dachshund on the street, that laugh spills out almost naturally.  It's like he can't see a wiener dog and not laugh.  It doesn't have to be doing anything cute or funny. It just has to be... a wiener dog. 

When we have room for a second dog, it will probably be from a wiener dog rescue.  Apple happens to love dachshunds, so it should work out well (she'll find the one dachshund at the bark park or dog beach and it will be the only dog she's not intimidated by - our theory is that they're the only dogs that are shorter than she is.) 

It's awesome.

So... I bet I'll be able to hear Mike's chuckle when he reads this blog. 

Because of this:

I mean, I totally get it.  They're naturally hilarious.
(I own none of these photos... they were all just pulled up off Google Image search and, I  believe, chuckle inducing.)

The Life and Times of a Lazy Beast

This is Apple.

This is how she sleeps.

A 9lb beast snuggled under our blankets and nestled between our pillows. She’ll rustle around for a while and jam her tiny little paws into our backs until she can find the perfect spot. Normally she opts to stay under the blanket altogether, but more recently she’s decided that she prefers to sleep with her head on a pillow.

She is brilliantly lazy.

Most days she sleeps in past us and grumbles and groans when we turn the lights on before 10AM.  Literally. If her head is outside when we turn the lights on, this is what she does.

She does make up for it by helping with the laundry though.

Totally helpful.

And if you don't like it... too bad.

It's pretty much a match made in heaven.

(I was inspired to write a dog-post by The Mutts of Playa Los Hooligans. I could seriously look at people's dog pictures all day.)

Rub-a-dub-dub, Thanks for the Grub.

Everyone seems to be posting the things they are thankful for. I have a lot of things to be thankful for so, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, here we go.

I have to get the normal stuff out of the way - they'll get weirder because I'm thankful for weird things too.

First, I'm thankful for my family - husband, mom, dad, brother, and all my relatives all over this planet and my fantastic in laws. I wouldn't trade out any of them... even for Johnny Depp.

I'm thankful for my dog and all the dogs I've met or ever lived with. Dogs are awesome.

I'm thankful for ALL my friends and that you all are nice to me. I'm thankful that some of you are smart, some of you are thoughtful and some of you are stupid awesome - you all make me happy.

I'm thankful that I was born a healthy human being with a fully functioning human body. By "I", I mean my consciousness or whatever it is that seems to be linked to my human body but not limited by it. "I" could have been an ant or a termite or a monkey. Sometimes I'm jealous of my dog and the Lochness monster, but in the end I prefer to be human. As a human, I am thankful for all the animals and plants that sustain my omnivorous life. I'm thankful for all the humane farmers and workers who treat those creatures with respect and the people who work to make sure that the Earth and all animals are treated that way no matter where they sit in the food chain.

I'm thankful for all the blessings that came with the fact that I was lucky to be born in a first world country. I didn't do anything to deserve it, but considering that the odds of being born in the USA is about 3.1% and about a 15% chance of being born in a first world country, I pretty much already won the lottery. I'm no more or less special than any other child born on the same date at the same time, but "I" got lucky.

I'm thankful for the guy who designed Mercedes 300E that was built in '87. My old car is the best.

I'm thankful for technology. Facebook. Computers. Internet. Blogging. Google. Nanomachines. Robots. Even if I hate some of it, I'm still thankful for it.

I'm thankful for Battlestar Galactica. And the X-Files. And Arrested Development... And The Office... And Cartoons.... And actually, if I go on it will be too long. I'm thankful for TV... but only the shows I like. I'm not thankful for shows I do not like.

I'm thankful for subtitles.

I'm thankful for Michio Kaku, Ray Bradbury, Dorothy Day, Francis of Assisi, Anthony of Padua and Steven Colbert. Maybe for reasons other than what you might assume.

I'm thankful for Jon Stewart - probably for the same reason you assume.

I'm thankful for time travel (it will happen/has already happened... we can discuss this another time.)

I'm thankful for cheese.

I'm thankful that I haven't been abducted by aliens.

I'm thankful for ghosts. Even though I haven't seen one myself.

I'm thankful for photographs.

I'm thankful for pizza and nachos and frozen yogurt.

I'm thankful for patient polite strangers.

I'm thankful for people who hold open doors for others - male or female.

I'm thankful for holidays.

I'm thankful for the reality that my perception creates. Because of this, I believe the world I see every day is actually very beautiful.

I'm thankful for many more things that would take me years to list. Since I can't list them and because Michael is telling me we have to go, I have to remember to say a thank you in my head for those little things when I come across them - Thanksgiving time or not. I'm Thankful for it year round.

The Dog Farm

So you know how when you're a kid and you see a stray dog and your parents stop to pick it up but then when they find out there's no collar on the dog they call animal control to pick up the dog because they've told you every time that, "No, we can't keep this dog" so then you start imagining what you're going to do when you're a grown up and one of those ideas pops into your head like the end of one of those 101 Dalmation movies where you tell yourself you'll make a million dollars and buy a huge plot of land so that hundreds of unwanted and lost dogs can roam happily and freely without a care in the world?

Well, my uncle pretty much made that dream come true for him. He lives in Colombia and moved out to this semi-remote area where he could have a larger plot of land so he could keep every stray street dog he found. I think his current count is something like 27 mutts roaming on his property out there. This ain't no rescue organization (although if he comes across a puppy that someone want's to give a forever home to, he'll help out) he's literally taking dumped dogs off the street and giving them food and shelter. People have brought him dogs and he doesn't turn them away. He's no dog whisperer either... all he gives these dogs is lots of love and they're all happy as can be.

I thought these pictures were pretty cute, so I figured I'd share.