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Friday, April 16, 2010

Shake, Rattle & Roll

Ahh, what a lovely day... perfect for a quick lunch-time blog...

I'm a native Southern Californian, which means that when I was born, the doctor checked my vitals, informed me that "The Big One" would strike at any minute and that I should be prepared to duck and cover. What only made it worse, was that "any minute" in geological terms meant the next 30 to 70 years which is exactly the time frame I would need to be panicked about the impending destruction for my ENTIRE LIFE (granted, I was an easily stressed out kid... floods, tornadoes, smallpox, fires, necrotizing fasciitis, the LA riots, cannibalism, super volcanoes ... I was pretty sure I was going to fall victim to everything I ever accidentally watched on the news.)

It was a given, that at some point we would either be floating off the coast of the USA as a brand new vacation destination called Californisland, or I would suddenly become a resident in a lovely post-apocalyptic beachfront community.  When I was little, I remember more than one earthquake striking while we were watching the Flintstones.  To this day, I harbor some resentment for Fred and Barney. Obviously they caused the earth to shake.  It's the same resentment I harbor towards the other animated earthquake inducing fiend, Ricky The Raindrop, better known as Ricky, The Harbinger of Doom.

And oh, the aftershocks.
As an adult, I'm not as panicked about your run of the mill, every day earthquake anymore.  In fact, I like the little ones because they aren't The Big One.   I'll still haul ass to find the nearest doorway or crouch under a sturdy desk.  I keep a flashlight and sturdy shoes near my bed and plan out my quickest route to an emergency exit wherever I go... but I'm not panicked about the thought of The Big One hitting any minute the way I was when I was a kid.

That said, there are definitely some places I hope to NOT find myself when The Big One finally decides to let us move on with our lives. San Andreas Fault... please work with me on these.

1) The Bathroom.

In the shower or on the toilet, I do not want to be in the bathroom.  Inevitably you'll either be nekkid or you risk some questionable toilet backsplash. Lose-Lose.

2) At the Dentist 

As if I really needed another reason to enforce my phobia. And this extends to any sort of procedure involving sharp instruments.

3) At SD ComicCon
100,000 nerds, cramped into 61,000 square feet of convention space.  Wearing costumes.  In July.  And, I might lose my spot in line.

4) At An Amusement Park
Especially not on Knott's Ghost Rider.  Because I'm pretty sure it's just an elaborate toothpick constructed rollercoaster.

5) Driving on a Stack Interchange
Or up the road to Big Bear.  Or anywhere not flat.  Or anywhere where there are cars or other things.

6) The Pacific Northwest
Because their Big One is supposedly going to be way bigger than our Big One.

7) The Inland Empire
Because if I thought traffic was bad before, it will only be worse trying to get home after the 91 disintegrates.

8) SLO and SFO
Because their buildings are so old that they actually put metal plates on the sides saying "Dude, this building is definitely going to crumble and hurl bricks in an earthquake, so walk by it at your own risk because The Big One will strike at any minute."

9) Yellowstone
Ok, so I'd just rather not be at Yellowstone ever.  That whole place is going to blow and it ain't gonna be pretty...  I think I'd take The Big One over The Big KABLOOEY any day.  Our trip to Iceland later this year will be peppered with some hefty kablooeys, but even Laki's worst features are nasty ash and flooding... not having an entire state EXPLODE.

10) The Zoo

Two words.  Escaped Gorillas.

Now, my top 5 choices for where I would like to be when The Big One hits:
1) On an airplane with all my friends and family and our pets on our way to a two week vacation in Switzerland.
2) In outer space
3) Sleeping in an Earthquake proof bunker.
4) In the middle of an open field with no power lines, trees, rocks or bugs.
5) At home.  Because I know where the snacks are.

And lastly, I leave you all with some helpful survival information for when the next Big, Medium, or Little One hits.


  1. this was great! hehe :) it's like you type out what every one of us is thinking, only we're too lazy and uncreative to type it ourselves LOL

  2. i remember being in the shower for one of the bigger earthquakes we had growing up... i ran out naked. to this day, i fear taking showers... i avoid bathing all together :)

  3. Marci! That's totally what I would do! How terrifying!


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