The Silver Linings of Multiple Food Allergies

It is SO easy to wallow in despair when you're living with multiple life-threatening food allergies. There is a lot of anxiety that goes hand in hand with the vigilance required to keep a child safe from the dangerous crumbs lingering around every corner.  Every parent of a child with life-threatening food allergies has shed plenty of tears over their child's diagnosis before picking themselves back up, dusting off, and plowing forward like a superhero.  You start to focus on the silver linings of every food-allergy cloud which can keep the food allergy blues at bay for a while.  These are ours:

1)  WE EAT HEALTHIER

This one is probably at the top of every food-allergy family's list.  Filtering out unsafely processed foods is a must when you've got food allergies. Well before my son was even conceived, my husband and I had been pretty good about the foods that came into our home.  We didn't buy sodas or candy, and the foods we purchased were locally grown, fair trade, humanely raised, and organic whenever possible.  We were, however, much less strict when it came to eating out, and while we made extra efforts to regularly patronize local restaurants that did offer organic, local, ethical, and humane dining fare, we were willing to turn a blind eye when we went out for authentic Dim Sum, or street tacos, or whatever hot spot of the moment, and we wouldn't ask about where they sourced their proteins.

We still maintain the same standards for the food we eat at home, only now there's only a handful of safe pre-made foods in our freezer (and since we can't eat fast food, we cherish these 5 freezer foods like the precious things they are! They're the only way we can catch a break from cooking from scratch every day.)  Since my husband and I don't eat out at restaurants with my son, that means we don't eat out unless we've got child care, which means... we rarely eat out.  The restrictions at home and the reduction in dining out combine to make us healthier overall.  In fact, I've lost almost 20 pounds since my son's diagnosis and that's the only modification that's been made.

2) I'VE TRULY LEARNED HOW TO COOK AND BAKE

Before my son's diagnosis, I wasn't much of a cook.  I had the basics (pretty much whatever Alton Brown taught me while watching Good Eats) but many of the recipes in my arsenal featured canned soups, premade flavor mixes, boxed mixes, or convenience food shortcuts.  I was good at assembly.

All shortcuts are off the table with food allergies. Anything that is processed in a factory, or manufactured on a production line means I've got to make sure there's no chance of cross contamination with O's allergens.  Cooking everything from scratch used to seem intimidating, but now it really is much less stressful and it gives me back a little bit of control. 

I now know how every element tastes and how I might be able to replicate all our old favorites.  I'm no longer intimidated by cooking food the way our great grandparents did.   I've made entire Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners for eight from scratch (including ice cream!), become a pro with cassava and corn flours to replicate my Colombian mother's bunuelo, arepa, and empanada recipes... I even figured out how to make a killer nacho cheese sauce so we could have chips and dip on Superbowl Sunday.  Considering how much I resisted cooking in the past, I'm pretty proud of myself for coming this far and I'm grateful that I've been able to learn.

3) NON-FOOD TREATS!

When I was a kid, candy was the ultimate in reward.  To me, nothing said "great job" like a Three Musketeers bar (weird childhood side note: I used to eat all the chocolate off first and then roll the nougat fluff into a large ball that I'd eat like an apple.)  Safe candy can be hard to come by in the food allergy world, but there are still plenty of allergy friendly sweet treats if you do some homework and plan ahead.

What's ten times easier to find in stores and never spoils in your diaper bag? Non-food treats!  Did you know Hot Wheels are 99 cents at Target?  Do you know how long my two-and-a-half year old is willing to patiently wait through a shopping trip with the promise of a brand new Hot Wheels at the end?  A VERY LONG TIME.  We participated in the Teal Pumpkin Project last year and ran out of our non-food treats before the end of the night and unexpectedly had left over candy that's still sitting in our pantry getting stale.

I only recently realized that I associated food with reward when I was growing up - we went out to dinner to celebrate good report cards, picked up ice cream after acing tests, got a candy bar for working really hard on something.  Even as an adult, I struggle to break the habit of rewarding myself with a food treat when I've worked a long day or when I've been stressed out.  My kid still has fruit snacks (they're basically candy) and cookies more than I'd like him to in theory, but he doesn't consider those things rewards.

4) WE DON'T GET SICK AS OFTEN

It's scary to come down with a common virus when you have food allergies (and worse when you have asthma which frequently goes hand in hand with food allergies and eczema) because many allergic reactions can mimic viral symptoms.  When our kid gets sick, there's always a lot of anxiety as we're trying to decide if the sudden rash, or coughing, or runny nose, or upset stomach is viral, or the start of an allergic reaction that might require use of epinephrine.

Thankfully constant hand washing, surface wiping, hand and face wiping, and the phrase "hands out of your mouth!" keep him safe from both allergen exposure and disease carrying-germ exposure.  Hand washing is the best way to prevent the spread of disease and if everyone got into the habit of hand washing before and after eating, it would also help keep children with food allergies safe.

5) COMPASSION COMES EASY

Food allergies are an invisible illness most of the time.  Unless you know me personally, you don't know what we cope with on a daily basis to get through the day safe and sound.  I know how amazing it feels to have friends or family go out of their way to help you out, and I also know what it feels like to have a someone look at you with a smirk when you tell them your kid can't eat something because he has a food allergy.

I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it now, but there was a time when I thought I knew it all.  If someone had a Disabled Person Placard and seemed to strut into a store without a problem, or if someone used a motorized scooter at a store without a cast on their foot, or even if someone used a family restroom when they didn't have a baby, my judgey-judge meters would have gone through the roof.  Now, I know better.  I have no idea what other people are struggling with on a day to day basis or why they are grateful to be able to use the accommodations available to people with disabilities. No one benefits from my judgement or approval and I'm happy to make whatever accommodations we can to make someone else feel comfortable and included - and I'll do it with a smile.

6) WE HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH INCREDIBLE FRIENDS AND FAMILY

We have a friend who has made her non-allergic children's birthday parties totally accessible to us.  She even buys her kid's cakes and cookies (including her daughters first smash cake) from the dedicated Top-8 allergen free bakery that we buy our treats from.  She reads the labels on every snack she puts out for the kids to make sure my son's allergens are not an ingredient, and she plans her children's birthday parties between lunch time and dinner so that food is not a major player in the fun. Even if O doesn't eat many of the snacks, it means that he can play with or near other kids who are eating snacks and not worry about what they've just been eating.  We never asked her to do this, and every time we remind her that she doesn't have to worry about us, but that we're grateful for her thoughtfulness.  Every time (it's now been 3 birthday parties) we show up and are just overwhelmed by how far she's been willing to go to make us feel included and at ease.  We are so blessed.

We moved into my parents' home while we remodeled and put our home on the market. We talked to them about making their house allergen-free.  It's been a few months in and things haven't been perfect, but they let me go through their refrigerator, freezer, and pantry and throw out the things that were not safe for O so I could replace them with a safe substitute and they let me have total control of the grocery shopping while we're living with them.  Having once eaten eggs, lentils, barley, wheat, peanut butter, and almond milk on the regular - they gave it all up so our shared home would be safer for all of us to relax in.   We are so blessed.

No matter how many random people downplay the seriousness of our son's food allergies, we know we've got incredible people in our circle of friends and family that take things as seriously as we do and we are so grateful for them.

29.

I'm pressed for time, but I just have to crank out a blog tonight.

Today I am 29.  Tomorrow I will be 30.

I started my first real blog when I was 19.  It was really stupid, but I think I downloaded all that stuff into an archive before I deleted that account.  I should go back and read it sometime.  I'm pretty sure it was all about the boys I had crushes on and stuff I did at work and school.

I'm not sure if my blogs have changed much in the last 10 years.

My 20s were good to me.  I married a man who makes me laugh every day. We bought a house, got a dog and we traveled. A lot.  Still, we live a simple and incredibly blessed life.

I partied like I should have when I was in college and I made friends that will be my friends for the rest of my life.  Nice people who like being nice to other people.  They make me realize how good humans can be.

In my 20s, I came to appreciate my parents in a different way although I still don't show it as much as I should. I came to value my brother as a best friend.

After spending a chunk of my teens being teased, I became comfortable enough with my own nerdiness to not only embrace it, but to wear it as a badge of honor. There are some nerd things I still keep in my nerd closet, but maybe in my 30s I'll realize that it doesn't matter if I'm teased anymore.

I did and said things that I'm embarrassed to admit.   I'm pretty sure I've blocked some moments from my memory for all eternity.  My opinions about the world have changed.  It's perpetual motion, I guess.

Growing up, I was convinced I would die at 23 (I wrote a blog when I was 22, panicking about my upcoming doom) and now that I've made it 7 years past my own personal death clock, I'm pretty pumped I still get to be here.  I'm not sure where my death clock is set, but I've fallen more and more in love with life every day that I get to wake up.

Aside from my latent superpowers awakening, I don't expect much to change when I turn 30 tomorrow.  I still plan too much, get too anxious about things, and still over-think things.  I doubt that will change when I'm 30, but I'm still excited about it.

I wonder what I'll write at 39.

Sayonnara 20s.  Thanks for all the awesome.

xoxo,
D

Apple's Grand Day Out

You may have seen this status update from me yesterday:  

"please prayers. we can't find Apple and we're in orange. she broke out of the yard. i don't know what to do"

Which was typed while I was slumped over, sobbing on the floor in front of a police car at a Mexican kid's birthday party at a park in Orange.

Yesterday was our Goddaughter's 2nd birthday, so we packed up Apple to drop off in Heather & Dave's back yard while we were about 10 minutes away at the birthday party.  We had done this before. They've got a nice back yard with heavy doors and an enclosed screen patio where Apple can hang out and stare out at the birds and other things rather than sitting in her crate alone while we're gone.  We never would have imagined that she could escape not only the patio, but the yard as well.

We were gone for 6 hours or so at the party and we left before Heather and Dave to go pick up Apple.  Our hearts sunk into our feet when we saw there was no Apple in the patio.  The screen door had been torn open.  We ran around their back yard to try and find her if maybe she was hiding or stuck somewhere.  Nothing.  Not a peep.

Panic.

I was shaking.  I walked illogically up the street to some people that were outside playing with their dog to ask if they had seen a small 9 pound dog running around.  They hadn't.  But they asked what color she was, and I couldn't describe her.  Tears just started pouring out of my eyes and all I could say was thank you.

Mike got on the phone... I don't know who he was calling and then he got in his car to drive around the neighborhood. I just started ringing people's doorbells.  I don't remember much of what I said or what they said, although I know I was sobbing and they were compassionate.  None of them had seen my dog.

I had my phone out, but we don't live in the area and I didn't know how to call Animal Control.  I think I called my brother while I asked some kids sitting in the back of a pick up truck if they had seen my dog.  They hadn't but they told me they'd help look and ask neighbors.  I started crying again.

My brother overheard and called me back.  "Have you found Apple?"

I started sobbing "No... and it's my fault.  I don't know what to do."

He and Rhonda headed over. Mike called me, "where are you?"

"I don't know." 

I turned around and walked back up the same sidewalk back to the house.  I tried to pray, but I couldn't remember how. All I could say over and over and over in my head was "please God help" which I think was good enough.   Heather & Dave were back... they saw my face and Mike standing in their lawn and instantly knew something was wrong.  Our poor Goddaughter saw my face and became distraught.  I still feel bad that a 2 year old was worried about me.  I'm the grown up here.

I said I was going to keep walking and Mike came with me.

We asked every person we passed - no one had seen a dog and most of the people who were outside had been out for hours.

I saw a park in the distance where a huge party was going on.  I got excited thinking that if Apple had got out, she would run that direction and see people and maybe the people would catch her and would have kept her for the entire day.  I spoke to as many people at that party as I could - at this point with my mascara smudged around my eyes and my lips swollen from sobbing.  One guy would translate my question to ask others at the party and I could hear others ask in Spanish, "why is she crying?" and the response "she lost her dog."  

I lost my dog.

At this point the thoughts running through my head were the worst case scenarios. Apple has a license, tags and is micro-chipped. But no one at all had seen her. I begun to believe that Apple got out shortly after we left, was injured from squeezing her way impossibly under the gate and was found by some people who thought she was cute and sweet and decided to keep her as their own pet instead of calling the name on the tag.  Or that some thugs just happened to be driving around and saw a cute little 9lb dog that would make great training bait for their Michael Vick inspired dog fighting ring and that Apple would never be found again. Horrible things. And since no one had called us in the last 6 hours this was what I started to imagine. Someone would have called if she was hit by a car or found, right?  

I had been wandering around for over an hour and I was sure I'd never see Apple again.  

There was a parked police car keeping an eye on the festivities since it was a really really really big birthday party.  Mike walked over and was talking to the police officer about Apple and gave her a description.  I wandered around in circles and eventually slumped over onto the floor behind Mike next to the police car. I lost my dog.

I couldn't think of who to call for help.  I logged onto Facebook and posted.  Maybe someone saw her and then saw my post and would be able to give me a clue.  The internet moves faster than I can walk and at the very least someone would pray for me when I couldn't keep my mind in one place do to it by myself. And they did.  Good thoughts, prayers, vibes... whatever anyone sent out our direction... prayers were heard and the universe reacted to those feelings, because not five minutes later we got a call. 

Apple had been found.

She was running around the parking lot of the Orange Mall and two teen girls had seen her and chased her until they were able to capture her and get her tag information. Their dad called us and gave us his name, number and address so we could go pick her up.

I started running.

We got back to the house told Heather and Dave and hopped in the car to drive just a little ways up the street to get her.  We called my brother and Rhonda with the news.  They were at the mall because on their way over they had asked a couple of skaters if they had seen a dog. They had, and said it was a little while ago near the mall, but no one stopped to try and grab her.  

We pulled up to the house where the girls were standing outside with Apple on a leash.  I started sobbing and  tumbled out of the car while Apple frantically pulled towards us yelping like crazy with excitement.  Mike talked to them for a while - he was the normal one.  I was the crazy lady.  We tried to offer them a reward - basically all the cash we had in our wallets - but they turned us down.  Their dad came out and shook our hands and we thanked them over and over again. 

The girls explained that they were at the mall and saw the dog running around the parking lot.  They were worried that she would get hurt so they followed her and tried to get her to come to them and stop her from trying to cross Tustin Ave.  Instead Apple, trying to avoid them, jumped into another person's car while they were loading up their stuff.  The person in the car handed Apple to the girls, scared and shaking. They brought her home and had their dad call us.   They said they spent about 20 minutes trying to get her.   They saved our dog.

We went back to the house and our Goddaughter was happy to see Apple again and to see me smiling.   Dave was ready with a glass of wine when I walked in the door.  I needed it.  Heather & Dave filled us in on what probably happened from their investigation in their yard and phone calls they made while we were out looking.  Their gardeners came - probably 20 minutes before we did.  They opened the gate, and most likely left it open while they worked.  Apple, probably frightened by the loud blowers (she's scared of the vacuum) burst through a small tear in the patio screen and right out the gate, going back home the way we drove in through an unfamiliar neighborhood. She crossed a major street, but luckily didn't make it over to Tustin Ave.

As other people passed, or ignored her, these two girls went out of their way to save our dog.  And they said did it because they knew that that if their dog had gotten loose, they hoped that someone would stop and try to do the same.  We have, and we are so thankful for those two girls choosing to do the right thing even when it might be inconvenient.  So so so so so so thankful.

I'm so thankful for good people, so grateful to be blessed with good family and friends who are ready to help and comfort us, and so relieved to have Apple back home.

Linty Lent

In observation of Lent a number of my friends have opted to abstain from certain pleasures and/or vices for the next 40 days (excluding Sundays - those observing Sundays are doing so for 46 days.) Some in preparation for the Easter season and others for the simple purpose of practicing self control. In the past I've "given up" soda, juice, fast food, junk food, meat and swearing among other things, but I struggle with the reality that, for me, the Lenten sacrifices of my past have done little to...well...bear fruit. These 40 days (for a Catholic) are supposed to remind us of the 40 days Jesus spent in the desert fasting and resisting temptation (which brings to mind one of my favorite Adult Swim shows ever.. which isn't anywhere in the ballpark of Biblically accurate... some might even say it's blasphemous...but... still... hilarious http://video.adultswim.com/lucy-the-daughter-of-the-devil/temptasia.html) and as a result remind us of our blessings and of our strength in God.

If I'm being entirely honest with myself, more often than not, my Lenten sacrifices have reminded me that I've gained 30 pounds since I was 18 and need to go to the gym, more so than of Jesus chillin in the desert* getting good with his destiny. And by the end of the 40 days anyway, I typically gorge myself on everything I deprived myself of in one delicious sitting known as Easter brunch (and of course for the following weeks as part of uh, the Easter Season?) Any daily "meditation" on my sacrifice revolved less around the spiritual ties to the sacrifice and more on the ways I could work around my sacrifice (ie. "I gave up chocolate candy... I didn't say I gave up chocolate cake...come to my belly cake!") or how they would benefit other superficial aspects of my life (ie. "I'm giving up fast food for Lent." Thinking, "hopefully that'll help me drop a size.") I felt like I was missing the point of Lenten observation. I know I should give up those silly little vices year round simply because that's what's good for me and not because it will make me a more complete person.

So this year, in keeping with the standard Catholic practice, I'm fasting and abstaining from meat on Fridays, but in an attempt to refocus my energies during the season of Lent, I'm tiptoeing out of my comfort zone (a zone that I'm still grappling with as I write this blog) and have organized a weekly Lenten-movie night. The goal is to get together with friends each Friday to enjoy a meat-free meal and watch a critically acclaimed feature film or documentary that speaks to our spiritual side and discuss.  Some of the films would have explicitly Catholic themes and others would use allegory to relate to Catholic beliefs and general social justice teachings.  

Yeah. Discuss religion?  With friends?  Who are not necessarily Catholic?  Who are not necessarily even theists?  This is my definition of awkward - don't know why - but it is.  The occasional blog is one thing, but discussion in person and unsolicited outside of Church functions goes against almost everything it means to be a cradle-Catholic.  I mean we might accidentally start talking about serious ISSUES here.  We might disagree! This could be a Pandora's box and the friend I've known for 14 years might suddenly decide I'm a total idiot. OH THE ANXIETY!

Luckily I have good friends... who humor me. And I know that when we do disagree, it will only make the discussion and the development that much richer... because they are nice and smart.

BTW....The invitation is open to anyone who is interested - message me or e-mail me and I'll give you the weekly details and weblink to the movie list so you can see what we're watching. It's a no-commitment invitation as I'd be doing this by myself if no one else ever showed up.

In any case, last Friday was the first of our screenings as we watched the documentary film, "Mother Teresa" I wasn't sure what to expect, as I had never seen it, but Siskel and Ebert gave it 2 thumbs up, so I was hoping it would be good.

It was.

I didn't know much about the incredible work of Mother Teresa, but the film has had me reflecting ever since on the things she said, the way she worked and the life she's led. Without a political swing, with no ulterior motives and with only the aid of "Divine Providence," she moved across the globe doing whatever she could do as a person to bring joy and love to those most forgotten among us, one person at a time. Her ideas so simple and honest. So seemingly easy for us to apply in our lives that it's almost embarrassing that I hadn't focused on it before. For example - one of the more personally thought provoking things she spoke of in the film:

"There is a terrible hunger for love. We all experience that in our lives - the pain, the loneliness. We must have the courage to recognize it. The poor you may have right in your own family. Find them. Love them."

It was exactly the type of film I had hoped it would be - and it sparked a chain of thoughts and reflection that I hadn't experienced in previous Lenten endeavors.  After the film, we initially all just talked about how amazing her life was and how simple and direct the way she worked was - no fundraisers, no advertising, no discrimination - just person to person love and acceptance.  The thought process continued even after we left that night and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. I'm not sure if it did the same for everyone else that watched, but I hope it did.  Mike and I have been talking about it and coming back to it as a point of discussion a number of times over the past few days... much more thought happening than when I gave up soda.

If you've got any good movies that sparked that spiritual side of you - let me know.  I'm looking for more!  I'm trying to stay away from movies that are cheeseball watered down stuff that we may have had to watch in High School religion classes and really want to watch well made films so I have mostly put together the viewing list by cross checking high customer ratings on Amazon with Roger Ebert's reviews and picking only his 3 star or higher reviewed films when available. So far, so good.

Strike That, Reverse It.

Today, this happened. British Airways: Union Announces Strike

In 11 days, Mike and I are scheduled to be on a flight to Paris... on British Airways.

We bought our tickets well before November 2... there wasn't a union cloud in the sky then...

We're currently in limbo. Not officially canceled yet, so we can't rebook. Not officially cleared for flight, so we're not sure what to plan for.

In general, I support unions - I think they offer an ability to provide a safety-in-numbers net to protect the weakest members of the workforce when real abuse of labor is an issue driven by a insatiable drive for profit. In most situations in recent history and the strikes that have affected my day-to-day life, I've found it pretty easy to side with the folks doing the walk-out.

Unfortunately, in this situation I'm finding it difficult to back the employees in this decision when industry standards across the board indicate that these changes are not a threat to their health and safety and do not constitute an unfair work environment. The decisions that BA has made also do not appear to be driven by much else than to stay afloat under the current circumstances. I don't get the feeling - even in reading through the union's releases - that BA is doing something underhanded.

In my industry, layoffs have forced me to take on 3 times as much work with no additional compensation, no promises of bonuses and no pay raise in the coming year. We're fighting to stay afloat. I want us to stay afloat. It's not fun, but it's also not inhumane.

If airline industry standards are too low to constitute a healthy work environment or if industry standards were so low that all unionized airline attendants agreed they needed better, I likely would have supported a strike in which every unionized airline attendant would have participated, but they don't have that backing.

I get it. It sucks that you have one less person on a long flight where people are total douche bags who sneeze on you, don't say please or thank you and now everyone has to do a bit more work to cover for that. And I get that it sucks to not get your regularly expected pay raise or bonus. We all get it, because we're all dealing with it right now. Your biggest punch in the gut was to your customer - particularly me (the easiest person to get to hop on board with your labor dispute or any other hippie emotional cause.) I get it... but how about you don't pick the holidays to protest, and you wait for the trial date to get the law behind you (if they agree with you then the public will support you!) I'm finding it very hard to imagine how anyone at all wins here.

Rub-a-dub-dub, Thanks for the Grub.

Everyone seems to be posting the things they are thankful for. I have a lot of things to be thankful for so, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, here we go.

I have to get the normal stuff out of the way - they'll get weirder because I'm thankful for weird things too.

First, I'm thankful for my family - husband, mom, dad, brother, and all my relatives all over this planet and my fantastic in laws. I wouldn't trade out any of them... even for Johnny Depp.

I'm thankful for my dog and all the dogs I've met or ever lived with. Dogs are awesome.

I'm thankful for ALL my friends and that you all are nice to me. I'm thankful that some of you are smart, some of you are thoughtful and some of you are stupid awesome - you all make me happy.

I'm thankful that I was born a healthy human being with a fully functioning human body. By "I", I mean my consciousness or whatever it is that seems to be linked to my human body but not limited by it. "I" could have been an ant or a termite or a monkey. Sometimes I'm jealous of my dog and the Lochness monster, but in the end I prefer to be human. As a human, I am thankful for all the animals and plants that sustain my omnivorous life. I'm thankful for all the humane farmers and workers who treat those creatures with respect and the people who work to make sure that the Earth and all animals are treated that way no matter where they sit in the food chain.

I'm thankful for all the blessings that came with the fact that I was lucky to be born in a first world country. I didn't do anything to deserve it, but considering that the odds of being born in the USA is about 3.1% and about a 15% chance of being born in a first world country, I pretty much already won the lottery. I'm no more or less special than any other child born on the same date at the same time, but "I" got lucky.

I'm thankful for the guy who designed Mercedes 300E that was built in '87. My old car is the best.

I'm thankful for technology. Facebook. Computers. Internet. Blogging. Google. Nanomachines. Robots. Even if I hate some of it, I'm still thankful for it.

I'm thankful for Battlestar Galactica. And the X-Files. And Arrested Development... And The Office... And Cartoons.... And actually, if I go on it will be too long. I'm thankful for TV... but only the shows I like. I'm not thankful for shows I do not like.

I'm thankful for subtitles.

I'm thankful for Michio Kaku, Ray Bradbury, Dorothy Day, Francis of Assisi, Anthony of Padua and Steven Colbert. Maybe for reasons other than what you might assume.

I'm thankful for Jon Stewart - probably for the same reason you assume.

I'm thankful for time travel (it will happen/has already happened... we can discuss this another time.)

I'm thankful for cheese.

I'm thankful that I haven't been abducted by aliens.

I'm thankful for ghosts. Even though I haven't seen one myself.

I'm thankful for photographs.

I'm thankful for pizza and nachos and frozen yogurt.

I'm thankful for patient polite strangers.

I'm thankful for people who hold open doors for others - male or female.

I'm thankful for holidays.

I'm thankful for the reality that my perception creates. Because of this, I believe the world I see every day is actually very beautiful.

I'm thankful for many more things that would take me years to list. Since I can't list them and because Michael is telling me we have to go, I have to remember to say a thank you in my head for those little things when I come across them - Thanksgiving time or not. I'm Thankful for it year round.

The Bigness of Hope

What a strange day it is today. I feel like after yesterday, everything should still be on pause. Life doesn't know the word "pause." My body and my emotions continue to move on despite my desire to just freeze for a moment. I suppose it's meant to be that way. How else are we expected to ever move forward? How long of a pause is long enough? Despite feeling like I couldn't laugh yesterday, I laughed. Despite feeling like I wouldn't think about it today, the thoughts move without me. Despite feeling like I shouldn't work today, I'm able to do my job. And I'm OK. Thank goodness we're built this way.

I think I have to get at least one more emo blog out before I'm back to normal though...

As a Catholic, we're offered theories on the afterlife that Church theologians present based on their studies of scripture and their understanding of the nature of God - all with the mini-disclaimer that no human can be 100% positive about precisely what happens once our physical bodies die. Believers are able to hold tight to the Catholic ideas that make sense to them - be it as clear cut as an actual plane of existence known as heaven or as vague as a complete spiritual unification with a universe called God... and then debate amongst themselves which idea is the most correct (haha). My dad is an Atheist and for as long as I can remember he would say that when he dies, he would turn into worm food and that was it. He seems to be fine with that. While I admit that his belief is a very logical possibility, it's not one that I subscribe to exactly.

I remember reading a long time ago on some website or maybe in a magazine, an essay written by this guy who claimed to be an Atheist since his childhood who had an experience which changed his life in a very unexpected way. From his youth he fully embraced the idea that the physical and present was all there was and it was all he needed. He raised his own children with the same ideas and of course, they were completely normal, happy, well adjusted kids. There was no gaping hole in is life or a feeling as if something was missing. He had been living his life happily without a god figure.

He continued to write about how he had been riding his bike one day (like he did on a regular basis) when a car coming full speed and with no intention to stop came crashing towards him. The second he saw the car he was positive that it would be a fatal hit. He wrote that in that moment, his life actually flashed before his eyes - he saw his wife, his children, his parents, his childhood and adult memories all flood in and out in one quick second. In that same split second before his body hit the pavement he remembers the calm in suddenly knowing that his existence would not end with the death of his physical body. He ended up being critically injured and if I remember correctly he was in a coma for a while. Once recovered, he was unable to get those last moments out of his head. Having been raised an Atheist and never really concerning himself with thoughts of the afterlife he was struck with how bizarre his last thoughts seemed to him. Like some people take comfort in the idea of a place called "heaven," he had taken a great deal of comfort in the idea that his time was fixed, finite and attached to the physical plane. In that moment, he didn't have an immediate sense of God or of what would actually exist for him when his physical body died, but the shock of suddenly understanding that it wasn't all over was enough to give him pause. After much consideration, he decided a more appropriate belief system for him would be Agnosticism rather than Atheism (and I think that after many more years he ended up choosing to go down some faith based or road to enlightenment type path but I don't remember specifically how that went.)

His near-death story stuck with me and somehow brings me comfort in ways that other stories about the afterlife, heaven, reincarnation, angels, and near-death visions don't seem to be able to and it has nothing to do with judgment or salvation. For me, there is tremendous hope in the broad suggestion that there is something - anything - that exists as us after our last breath. The grandness of hope in the limitless possibilities following the brief moment we call life completely dwarfs the despair of a physical death. To try and put that ambiguous hope into a neatly shaped container and label it with descriptions my human brain can comprehend is somehow not doing it enough justice. Am I really only as alive as my body? Am I then only as alive as my heart? My brain?

I think that what I felt yesterday was sorrow. What I feel today is hope - this strange calm from knowing nothing at all. My comfort is in the mystery. In hoping that those who have passed before me have begun an adventure in discovery that the rest of us can only guess about and the hope that the possibilities are even greater than I could have ever imagined.