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Wednesday, February 2, 2011


I'd like to think that I have a pretty long fuse.  In general I can be relatively patient with annoying situations or irritating people, but there are a handful of things that make my eyes cross, my hair stand on end and my brain go bananas.  Little things that force my blood pressure up into dangerous levels for about 30 seconds before I regain composure.  No talk of politics, religion, or controversy flings me into the same reactionary fit that my pet peeves do. 

Because I've encountered all these things in the last week, and I'm a person who loves to make lists, it can only's time for a list!

1. House Flies.

FLY.  YOU ARE NOT WELCOME IN MY HOUSE.  You can spend all day spitting up on dog poo and sucking up the nutrients you need for sustenance outdoors, but my house is off limits!  I do everything in my power to keep you out but when you manage to sneak in, you're not content to sit in one spot spitting up on kitchen bin scraps. You insist on flying around the house in the middle of the night, zooming past my ears at irregular intervals making what may be the most obnoxious noise known to man while I'm trying desperately to sleep.  HOW THE EFF DID YOU GET INSIDE!?!? YOU DISGUSTING CREEP! I don't like killing insects, so I try to force you outside, but you're a jerk, fly.  You refuse to leave... and that's why I've had to buy a swatter.

2. Irresponsible Dog Owners.

Dear irresponsible dog owners: There are leash laws - even if your dog won't run away from you,  you are required to keep your dog on a leash.  Do it for that my dog doesn't freak out when we're on a walk and sees your dog running at her.   Also, there are dog waste laws - pick up after your dog so I don't drive over your dog poo in my driveway...again.  If your dog is horny, get him fixed. If your dog is sick, take him to a vet. If your dog is an escape artist, consider crate training. If you've got a bad dog, most likely it's because you're a bad dog owner. Take responsibility and quit making it suck for the majority of good dog owners.

3. Backwards Emoticons.

I've covered this many times before.  DO NOT DO THIS.  (:  Is stupid. This is how an emoticon face is meant to look :) Happy. (: is just a bald man. No mouth. No nose. NO EMOTION.

4. Douchebag Drivers.

Use your turn signal. You only get one parking space per car, parked in between the lines.  You don't get to park in fire lanes. You don't get to drive on the shoulder to get ahead of traffic.  Ever.  Drive like you might know the person in the car next to you and give an apologetic wave when you make an honest mistake. Otherwise, you're a douchebag driver.

5. Cigarette Butt Heads.

FYI, your cigarette butt IS litter (read this and this if you're in denial.)  The road is not your giant ash tray - you have one in your car, use it.  The floor is not your ash tray, the beach is not your ash tray.  Need to smoke on the go? Then carry this with you Zippo Pocket Ashtray  Don't be a butt head.

6. Leaving the Toilet Seat Up.

Guess who falls in the toilet in the middle of the night trying to keep the lights off so as not to wake anyone else from their delicate slumber? Me. Guess who falls in the toilet after holding it for half an hour rushing to get relief?  Me.  A wet ass is not a happy ass. Most of the time, I end up cleaning the toilet anyway, so put the seat down and learn to aim. (Special note: Husband... I will love you forever despite a wet ass. Everyone else... well, leave the toilet seat up at your own risk and sleep with one eye open.) 

7. People Who Ignore Signs

"Return The Weights To The Stack", "No Parking", "10 Items or Less", "No Dirty Dishes In The Sink", "Recycling Bin", "No Returns",  "No U Turn", "Cash Only", "No Right Turn On Red" etc...  Believe it or not, those words mean things.  Signs are put in place for a reason and when you don't pay attention, you make things annoying for everyone else.

8. Unused Time Left on the Microwave

My meeting is at 1:30, what time is it? 1:15... like it has been for the last 45 minutes.

9. Rogue Shopping Carts

Seriously, walk 10 feet and return your cart to the cart receptacle in the parking lot.  Those things were built for a reason. They've already got a dude that pushes all those carts into the store for you, he shouldn't have to go hunting all around the parking lot for your stray cart. It takes only a few seconds and your fat ass will thank you.

10. People Who Are Rude To Servers

I can't stand it when people are rude to servers, clerks, hosts, bartenders, postal workers, mechanics, janitors, manicurists...basically anyone who has to put up with rude people while at the same time providing the spoiled brats a service with a smile.  Is it really so hard to be polite and be patient with another human being who is providing you with a service? I guarantee they're not being paid enough to put  up with your attitude.

So there it is.  My 2011 list of peeves.  Looking at them now I'm realizing that 80% of my peeves can be summed up in what I guess must be my mega-peeve:  inconsiderate people.  I'm probably unaware of many things I do that annoy people (um, like maybe being a type-A stickler for the rules?) but I do my best to try and act in a way that I want others to act around me.  Do inconsiderate people really have no problem with me putting dog poop in their lawn, leaving my shopping cart behind their car, leaving my trash on the floor, blocking their garage with my car and taking up two spots in a totally full parking lot?  Really?  Are these folks so zen that nothing  has ever bothered them at all and as a result they can not fathom that anyone else would be bothered by anything they thoughtlessly do? Really?  I doubt I'll ever know.